Tag: <span>Mediation</span>

What is Co-Parenting?

November 7, 2017January 17, 2019
by Angie

When you’re a parent going through a divorce, your primary concern is your kids – their well-being, adjustment and ability to cope are what’s most important to you.

One way to help your kids deal with divorce is to co-parent with your soon-to-be ex-spouse… but what, exactly, does that mean, and what does it require you each to do?

What is Co-Parenting?

Experts say that kids can bounce back from a parental break-up and become more resilient and able to deal with life’s hurdles as a result – and there are plenty of ways you can help your own children through divorce.

In co-parenting, you and your ex still work together to parent your kids. You’re no longer romantically involved, but that doesn’t stop both of you from being involved in raising your kids… or from doing it together. The key idea behind co-parenting is to create a stable and consistent childhood for your kids, and it does that by:

Limiting “parentification.” This lifts the child’s burden of feeling like he or she needs to take care of his or her parents’ feelings.
Maintaining solid relationships with both parents.
Limiting the child’s feeling of being on one parent’s “side.”
Teaching conflict resolution.

How to Make Co-Parenting Work

First things first: You and your ex need to put aside your differences, if only for your kids. You don’t have to agree to anything but raising happy, healthy children.

You may want to enlist a mediator’s help if you’re having a tough time co-parenting with your spouse. You can do it without a mediator, too, although some parents find that having an impartial third party helping them hammer out the details is incredibly helpful.

Co-parenting requires you and your ex to:

Communicate regularly (and politely)
Make decisions together
Share your schedules so you can time things best for the kids

You and your ex will have to decide:

How to handle discipline between your two homes. Consistency is the key here!
Who’s going to make which decisions.
How you’re going to communicate about your children, whether it’s in-person, on the phone, or by email (and if your ex isn’t always reliable, putting everything in email can be extremely helpful).
How you’ll handle last-minute scheduling changes.
What you’ll do when emergencies arise (for you, your ex, or your children).
How you’ll manage extra expenses that child support doesn’t cover.

When Co-Parenting Doesn’t (or is Unlikely to) Work

If your ex is emotionally or physically abusive, co-parenting may not be the best solution for your family right now. If you’re not both invested in co-parenting, it’s not going to work either – so you can save yourselves a lot of trouble by nailing down a parenting time agreement and sticking to it rather than attempting to work (and remain flexible) together.

Do You Need to Talk to a Stockton Divorce Attorney?

If you’re thinking about divorce, or if your spouse has already filed for a divorce, we can help you.

Call a Stockton family law attorney now at 209-910-9865 or contact us online to schedule an appointment today.

Divorce

Divorce Advice: 3 Tips From Psychology Experts

October 3, 2017January 17, 2019
by Angie

When it comes to divorce advice, it seems like everyone has some to offer – but sometimes, even when people have the best intentions, it’s just not good advice.

Although your friends and family want only the best for you, it’s important to remember that during divorce, the only legal advice you should listen to comes from your Stockton divorce lawyer. Your attorney is familiar with California divorce laws and how they pertain to your case… and how the legal system works when two parties dissolve a marriage.

Mental health advice from friends and family can be tremendously helpful, though, as long as you take it with a grain of salt. If you feel like you need more help than your support network can provide, there’s nothing wrong with finding a counselor or therapist who specializes in divorce. For many people, advice from experts in psychology is the best kind they’ll ever get – and sometimes that advice stays relevant long after your divorce is final.

Divorce Advice From Psychology Experts: 3 Tips to Help You Through This Difficult Time

Every divorce is different, and what works for one person may have the opposite effect for another. However, these three pieces of divorce advice generally apply across the board.

#1: Get Divorce Advice From Someone Who’s Qualified to Give It

“Individual counseling, psychotherapy, and life-coaching can help you achieve optimal life balance, finding new and effective ways to deal with the effects stress causes on your life,” says Dr. Tom Maples of the Stockton Therapy Network.

Stress has many side effects, and it’s been linked to depression, heart attacks, and a multitude of other health conditions. It’s in your best interest to find new ways to cope with the stress of divorce – and there’s nothing wrong with reaching out for professional help when you need it.

#2: Understand That Emotional Divorce is a Process

Even after the judge signs your divorce decree, ending the legal process, you may still be in the throes of an emotional divorce.

“An emotional divorce is best viewed as a process that occurs minimally over several years and maximally over the course of a lifetime. Typically, the divorce process begins several years before the actual date of separation, when one of the spouses begins to experience a predictable set of feelings, which may include disillusionment, dissatisfaction, anxiety, and alienation,” says Donald T. Saposnek, Ph.D.

Once your divorce is over, you’re in a stage that involves finding your equilibrium again – but you can’t rush it.

“Of course, the feelings during this stage are not always positive. Even if the divorce is successful, negative feelings may still surface from time to time,” says Saposnek.

The key is to let yourself experience the negative feelings and process them so you can move on. Eventually, you’ll rebound completely… but it takes time.

#3: Try Not to Think of Divorce As a Battle You Can “Win”

According to the American Psychological Association, divorce mediation may be the best choice you could make.

“Try not to think of the breakup as a battle. Divorce mediation is often a good alternative to courtroom proceedings. Trying to work things out yourself can be frustrating and self-defeating as the problems that contributed to your divorce are likely to re-emerge during divorce negotiations. Research shows that mediation can be beneficial for emotional satisfaction, spousal relationships and children’s needs,” says the APA’s website.

Do You Need Divorce Advice From a Stockton Family Law Attorney?

If you need legal advice, there’s no substitute for working directly with a divorce attorney.

We can help.

Call us at 209-910-9865 to discuss child custody, child support, spousal support, or anything else related to your divorce. We’ll be able to evaluate your situation and develop a strategy that gets you (and your family) the best possible outcome.

Divorce

What is Divorce Mediation?

July 24, 2017January 17, 2019
by Angie

If you’re like many people, you’ve heard of divorce mediation—but what is it, and would it be the right choice for you and your spouse?

What is Divorce Mediation?

Divorce mediation is a way for you and your spouse to come together and decide the outcome of your divorce. It includes hiring a mediator—a neutral third party to your case—whose only interest is helping you two find common ground.

The mediator will meet with you and your spouse to help you resolve issues you’ve been unable to resolve on your own. He or she won’t make the decisions for you (unlike the judge, who will make decisions for you if you can’t reach an agreement). Instead, your mediator will help you and your spouse determine the best possible outcome.

Why Some People Choose Mediation

When two spouses cannot agree on an issue—say, child custody—the judge will make a decision for them.

While judges do their best to be as fair and impartial as possible, the fact is that no judge knows your family the way that you and your spouse do. Your judge doesn’t know the special circumstances you have or whether you and your spouse are willing to compromise in some areas.

Unfortunately, when the judge decides an important issue like custody, one or both parties is likely to come away feeling as if they lost the fight.

However, people who participate in mediation work together to come up with a solution that’s best for the whole family—and studies have shown that mediation allows those people to come away feeling as if they (and, more importantly, their children) have won instead.

The Bottom Line on Mediation

Many people choose mediation because they really don’t want the judge to make important decisions for them, but at the same time, they’re unable to agree with each other.

Mediation is also less expensive than a court trial or a series of hearings is, and for the most part, most mediations end in a successful divorce where both parties are reasonably satisfied with the outcome.

How Does Divorce Mediation Work?

Mediation is confidential, and it relies on your (and your spouse’s) ideas to come up with resolutions to the issues you’re experiencing. Your lawyer will still be there to guide you and protect your rights, though, and you and your spouse are in complete control of the process.

Every mediator has his or her own approach, but generally, mediations follow similar processes. Your mediator will get background information from you and your spouse, and then you’ll both attend a meeting with the mediator. He or she will explain the “rules of the road” and tell you what you can expect from the process. You may also be asked to sign a form that says you promise to keep what’s said to yourself—and that you understand that the mediator won’t disclose the private details of your meetings in court later.

Do You Have to See Your Spouse for Mediation?

Sometimes you and your spouse will be negotiating across a table; sometimes the mediator will go back and forth between separate rooms to help you negotiate. You can always tell your mediator whether you’re comfortable being in the same room with your spouse (or if you’re not); the point is that your mediator wants to help you find common ground, and he or she will use the appropriate tactics to get you there.

Can Your Lawyer Go to Mediation With You?

If you want your Stockton divorce attorney to attend a mediation with you, talk to your mediator (and your lawyer). In many cases, these meetings don’t involve lawyers—but typically, they can if you feel it’s necessary.

Do You Need to Talk to a Divorce Lawyer in Stockton?

We welcome the opportunity to answer your questions about mediation and divorce-related issues such as custody, child support, spousal support, and the divorce process.

Call us at 209-910-9865 for a divorce case evaluation. You’ll talk to an experienced Stockton divorce lawyer who can give you the advice you need to begin moving forward.

Divorce

Collaborative Divorce in California

May 1, 2017August 13, 2020
by Angie

There’s no question about it: Divorce is tough.

However, a collaborative divorce can make things easier on you, your soon-to-be ex-spouse, and your children.

What is Collaborative Divorce?

The term collaborative divorce refers to the process of resolving your differences together rather than fighting things out in court. It involves negotiation (and sometimes mediation) so that both parties can walk away from the marriage knowing that they’ve solved the issues on their own, without forcing a judge to make decisions for them.

Collaborative divorce isn’t the right answer for everyone, though. In order for it to work, both spouses need to be willing to participate. Both spouses also have to recognize that divorce is a negotiation process and be willing to set aside their emotions and deal only in facts.

Who Shouldn’t Use Collaborative Divorce?

Typically, a collaborative divorce is not right for marriages that involved physical or emotional abuse, child abuse, or dishonesty about income and assets. It’s not often a good idea for spouses who are alienating children from one (or both) parents, either.

Are There Benefits to Collaborative Divorce?

There are several benefits to collaborative divorce for those who are able to use it. In addition to making things easier on you, your ex, and your kids, a collaborative divorce:

Saves money. You don’t have to pay attorneys to “duke it out” in court over the things you can negotiate yourselves.
Saves time. Litigation (fighting in court) is time-consuming. You have to wait for a space to open up on the court’s calendar, and you have to solve disputes one at a time on the court’s schedule.
Takes place in an informal setting. You aren’t in the courtroom, missing work and using up vacation days, when you’re collaborating on your divorce.
Lets you maintain control over the situation. You’ll have to share that control with your ex, because collaborative divorce does involve give-and-take, but ultimately, the way you solve disputes with your ex is up to you two.
Allows you to negotiate a divorce settlement that works best for your family. When you don’t cooperate with your ex, the judge in your case will have to make final decisions for you—and while judges are fair and impartial, they don’t know what makes your family “tick.” That means a judge’s decisions may not be the best fit for you, your ex, or your kids.

What Happens if You and Your Ex Both Want a Collaborative Divorce?

If you and your ex can agree that a collaborative divorce is best, the first step is talking to a Stockton family law attorney who understands negotiation, mediation, and your desire to make your divorce as easy as possible.

You’ll meet with your lawyer to explain what it is you want from the divorce, and he or she will help you identify where you’re willing to compromise. You and your ex can reach agreements on your own, or you can bring in a professional mediator who can help.

You and your soon-to-be ex-spouse can collaborate to decide:

Child custody and child support
Spousal support
Property division

Ultimately, the best part of collaborating with your ex is that when you do finally go to court (the judge still has to issue a divorce decree that officially dissolves your marriage) you can file an uncontested divorce.

Do You Need to Talk to a Stockton Divorce Lawyer?

If you’re ending your marriage and need to talk to a divorce lawyer in Stockton, we can help. Call us at 209-910-9865 to tell us what’s going on. We’ll evaluate your case and start building a strategy that gets you—and your family—the best possible outcome.

Divorce

Divorce and Property Settlement: 5 Tips to Negotiate With…

February 27, 2017March 24, 2020
by Anna Maples

When you go through a divorce in California, you’ll have to go through several steps — and one of them is creating a divorce property settlement. Here’s how to negotiate during divorce so you can reach a fair, reasonable outcome.

How to Negotiate During Divorce

If you’re like most people, you have no idea how to negotiate during divorce. That’s okay, because you probably haven’t been through it before.

However, before we get into how to negotiate, we need to cover:

What is a property settlement?
Whether you have to settle on debt
Divorce property settlement laws in California

What is a Property Settlement in Divorce?

California is a community property state. That means the property you acquire (beginning on the day you marry and ending on the day your marriage ends) is supposed to be divided equally between you when you divorce.

A property settlement agreement is the agreement you and your spouse reach to divide your property equally and fairly. Equal doesn’t always mean 50-50, though. It can mean that you each get your own vehicle, even if one is valued more highly than the other, and for the most part, the courts will take into account whether you feel the agreement is fair and equitable.

Does a Divorce Settlement Agreement Include Debt?

A divorce settlement agreement does include debt. All of the debt you incur while you’re married is considered community property; you’re both responsible for it.

Divorce Property Settlement Laws in California

In many cases, divorcing couples can figure out a property division arrangement that works for everyone involved.

However, if you and your spouse cannot reach an agreement, or if the agreement you reach is obviously skewed unfairly to one side, the Superior Court steps in and splits your property and debt equally.

Now that you’re familiar with the concepts you’ll have to deal with, here’s how to negotiate during divorce.

How to Negotiate During Divorce: 5 Tips to Help You Figure Out Your Divorce Property Settlement

Ideally, you and your spouse will be able to reach an agreement on your own. If you can’t, you’ll force the judge to step in. That can drag out your divorce, and often, couples come out of the courtroom feeling as if they’ve both lost. (Your Stockton divorce and property settlement lawyer will encourage you to reach an agreement with your spouse long before you show up in court because doing so will save you time and money — and you’ll have fewer headaches with the whole ordeal.)

Check out these five tips as you learn how to negotiate during divorce:

Remember that divorce and property division are business transactions.
Be logical and reasonable every step of the way.
Watch for coercive tactics.
Use helpful, rather than harmful, phrases.
Don’t become trapped in predictable scenarios.

#1. Pledge to Look at Your Divorce and Property Division Issues as Business Transactions

When you divorce, you’re dissolving your marriage contract. While that seems like an unfeeling way to look at things, it’s how the law sees it—and your property division is no different. Treating property division as a negotiation process can make things much simpler.

#2. Be Logical and Reasonable

You can’t afford to ignore the “big picture” when you’re negotiating a divorce settlement with your spouse. You don’t have to be adversarial; in fact, looking at a divorce like something you have to win can be counterproductive.

Related: More divorce negotiation tips

#3. Watch for Coercive Tactics

While coercive tactics can be tough to spot, if your spouse is attempting to use them on you, it’s imperative that you stop, back away from the process, and regroup. Coercive tactics that some spouses employ include:

Personal attacks, including insults and implications
Lying or threats
Psychological tricks, such as attempting to get you to feel guilty
Refusal to negotiate
Escalating demands
Planning delays to make things more difficult for you
Withholding money or access to your children

Chances are good that your divorce attorney is going to notice these tactics if your spouse uses them — they’re actually fairly common in adversarial divorces.

#4. Use Helpful Phrases to Encourage Your Spouse to Cooperate

Negotiations come to a grinding halt when one party says, “I’m not going to let you win.”

Remember that in successful negotiations, both parties “win.” When you’re working with your spouse to reach an agreement, try phrases that help the process along, such as:

“Can we go over this again to make sure I understand it correctly?
“Please correct me if I’m wrong, but…”
“My main concern is fairness.”
“Or we could try…”

#5. Don’t Become Trapped in Predictable Scenarios

It’s perfectly normal for divorce negotiations to seep into your emotions. The key, though, is not letting your emotions rule the negotiation process. When your spouse becomes angry or attempts to drag you into a disagreement, step back. Take some time to cool down and let your attorney summarize the issue so you can move forward.

What Should I Ask for in a Divorce Settlement?

If you’re like many people, you’ve heard divorce stories that run the length of the entire spectrum — some people say, “She took everything from me!” while others say, “We had a fair settlement. Actually, maybe I got more than he did.”

So what should you ask for in a divorce settlement?

The answer is simple: Ask for what you need to be reasonably satisfied with the outcome. Remember, too, that the judge is unlikely to sign off on anything that’s patently unfair (to you or your spouse). Don’t ask for the house, the cars, all the furniture, your savings accounts and half your spouse’s retirement — even if you’re pretty sure you deserve all those things.

California is a community property state, which means the assets you and your spouse acquired while you were married belong to both of you. You can make trade-offs, but make sure you’re asking for things you actually want. If you only want the house so you can sell it and pocket the proceeds, you need to know that the courts will expect you to trade something of equal value — and if your spouse would remain in the house with the children, it’s probably not a great idea to try to fight for it.

How Do You Negotiate Spousal Support?

Negotiating spousal support can be one of the most difficult aspects of your divorce. Before you begin negotiations, remember that the judge in your case will only sign off on your agreement if it’s fair to both of you — and if the paying party can reasonably afford it.

When one spouse doesn’t agree that the other needs spousal support, negotiating for it can be incredibly difficult. You may need your attorney to step in. However, if you’re both in agreement that some spousal support should change hands, make sure that you can see things from your spouse’s point of view.

Try these tips to negotiate spousal support:

Stay calm. If either of you becomes upset, negotiations are going to grind to a halt.
Don’t point the finger or make demands. Try saying things like, “I feel upset when you say I’m asking for too much. It’s difficult for me to support myself when I need to go to school to learn marketable skills. I’d like it if you could help me with $X so I can get on my feet.”
Actively listen to what your spouse is saying. That means summarize what he or she is saying and repeat it back so that your spouse knows you’re actually paying attention.
Ask questions to help your spouse collaborate with you. Think about saying things like, “I’m worried about being able to pay a sitter while I’m at school. What are your ideas?”

You don’t have to know exactly how to negotiate during divorce… but you do need to go into it with a positive attitude and be willing to settle for a reasonable outcome. You also have to know that your lawyer is here to help you every step of the way.

Do You Need to Talk to a Lawyer About How to Negotiate During Divorce?

We can help you with your divorce and property settlement agreement. Just call us at 209-910-9865 to tell us what you’re going through. We’ll put together a strategy that gets you the best possible outcome.