Love, Longing, and Getting Back to Even: 5 Strategies…

October 13, 2016November 6, 2019
by Dr. Thomas Maples

You were swept off your feet by prince charming, but instead you married a frog. At first, he seemed to be everything you dreamed of; but after unwrapping the layers, you found a Narcissistic sociopath of a man with impulse control issues and a mommy complex.

She was the light of your life, a statuesque pillar of beauty that you had long sought to be with. She was everything you could ever want and more. But after seeing behind the beauty, there was a neurotic, critical, self-loathing shell of a person behind the mask of beauty she portrayed.

Does this sound familiar?

It may, or may not, dependent on your prior relationship experience. If you have never been exposed to the above scenarios, great. You are in a category of very few people, and hopefully you have found the key to your “happily ever after.” However, for everyone else, we have been exposed to relationship dysfunction, where, sometimes the traits we perceive a person to have at the beginning of the relationship differ greatly from the product we get as the intense feelings of new love die down, and the real work underlying relationships begin.

Whether we are exposed to these types of relationships personally or through the second hand experiences of friends or loved ones, we understand and become exposed to the dysfunction these relationships can cause. Buzzwords that combine mental health complexes and diagnoses such as narcissism, borderline, or more severe terms such as pathogenic, pathological, sociopathic, or even psychopathic seems to be the yardstick by which we judge our modern day relationships. Has this always been the case? or is this somehow a new phenomenon in today’s more fast paced world. Either way, it seems that nowadays we judge our relationships based upon the way we perceive other people’s love lives to be. We simply focus on other peoples “happily ever after” at the expense of never creating our own.

In modern times, our personal relationships are distracted. We judge ourselves based upon the Hollywood glamour couple that walks the red carpet,tThe limelight reflecting from their eyes and dress, eliciting deep feelings of attraction, longing, and even envy. Even though they may seem individually radiant, something greater reflects from them as a couple, as we turn our inquisitive eyes to the picture perfect ideals they portray. We see them as they are portrayed, yet something within us allows us to create a picture perfect romance / family storyline by which we ultimately judge our personal relationship as well, “drab” in comparison.

A second example comes from the business couple, dressed to the nine. They are a picture to behold, wearing the newest and most expensive designer garments, driving the designer car, living in the designer house, having what seems to be even designer children. They are a snapshot of perfection as it relates to the American Dream. Is this reality they have created, in essence the truth? Or are the looks the media portrays misleading, or even worse, outright lies that hide the truth of what is behind the mask of what is perceived to be the socially acceptable “American Dream Family.”

It is human nature to judge ourself based upon what we perceive others to have. The Hollywood couple is broadcast to us in our homes. However the images portrayed show them surrounded by the limelight. We may, or may not yearn for this lifestyle, but nevertheless we begin to perceive a version of that reality as not being within our grasp, and may begin to focus on what we don’t have versus what we do have. We may see a power couple, business in their attire, walking to work, getting ready for a busy day. They may seem the picture of stability, intellectual prowess, and business disposition; but is their outer appearance truth, or what we perceive it to be as we pass immediate judgment on outer appearances. Or, even better, we may see an old couple, and yearn to have that experience in our lives. Don’t we deep down inside, all have the longing to grow old with another person. An example of longevity in relationship, a pillar of the human capacity to overcome feelings of isolation and loneliness and take a chance at love. Even though we may have no clue as to how to approach the work needed to assure that the relationship we seek can get past the first year, let alone the 1st through the 5th decade of the married life we foretell will be perfect, we nevertheless judge our life in a perspective that is not fully known nor can be known without simply having experienced it in all its grandeur.

The storylines in these scenarios play to the inherent human condition we as people have to judge ourselves based upon what we perceive to be the perfect lives of others. Good or Bad, Right or Wrong, Holy or Evil, Night or Day, Venus or Mars, Narcissistic or Borderline, our mind creates categories by which we not only judge our individual and relational lives, but also the individual and relational lives of others. While the ability to perceive and judge is foundational to the human condition, it does not have to be its demise.

In relationships, we find the capacity to be mirrored. For whatever reason, we seem to choose people that mirror the aspects of our life that are in need of the most psychological repair. While marriages seem to come and go, and a majority of the relationship conflict seen within marriage and after is caused by this mirroring phenomena, we must nevertheless operate in unison with it in order realize the growth potential relationships offer us. While mirroring is a fundamental aspect of positive relationships, it can nevertheless point towards painful and even unwelcoming aspects of ourselves that we must face in order to become greater individuals.

I know, we do not consciously sign up for the above scenarios. We don’t choose the faults of our significant others, consciously that is. But those faults were there. If only your eyes could have seen the love blinding glasses that were present when you chose to overlook those same very faults that now lead to the break in your relationship. While the philosophy and the moral repercussions that surround divorce can be very complex, if looked at objectively, the lessons learned can be simple, engaging, and life changing.

Grieve Your Loss – It is first and foremost important to grieve your loss. Whether the relationship was an intense flame, filled with passion, or a dud, give yourself time to grieve your loss. There will be fear of loneliness, anger, sadness, some more anger, fear of what will become of you, anger again, deep-introspection, sadness, a little more anger, sadness again, and eventually relief. Feel these feelings. They are the key to acceptance, moving on, and getting to know yourself as a single person. It is from this state that you can learn the lessons needed to move on with your life, and give yourself a shot at the happiness a future relationship can promote within your life.
Learn Thyself. Only you are responsible for the way you feel. If you sought another person out of loneliness, you may feel that way even in your relationship. You are responsible for what makes you happy, and by choosing to be happy, you will do the things necessary to assure your happiness despite what anyone else offers within your life. Who knows, if you are having fun doing the things you enjoy in the first place, maybe, just maybe, you might meet someone that enjoys the same things you do. How would this be for at least one check off that old relationship checklist?
Introspection – Reflect on what was. Play the scenarios out in your head, and see what YOU could have done differently. This is where emotional growth occurs, and can lead to areas where you find the need to bring about change in your life. Relationships are dynamic, and you brought as much to the table in its failure as your significant other has. The old adage, “It takes two to tango” is prevalent here, and you must take accountability for the mistake you made. By doing this, not only can you grow at the personal level, but you can also decrease the risk of falling into the same emotional trap that lead to the failed relationship in the first place.
Learn From, Don’t Delete the Story of Your Life – Love, relationships, marriage, and life is a natural progression. You cannot hit the reset button on a relationship, any more than you can reset your life. You can experience, learn, and grow towards the ideal that you seek, but you cannot start over. Take the lemon of the relationship you have lost and turn its lessons into the sweet lemonade you wish to have in your next relationship. By making small changes in your perception, you can overcome past barriers to happiness, and promote wellbeing throughout your life.
Engage A Happiness Habit – Again, we turn to all four prior lessons. Grieving, learning thyself, reflecting on what was, and learning from, not starting over leads us along a path where we can identify, practice, and master the art of loving oneself, the key ingredient needed for a life of happiness. By doing this, we can then begin to find ways to love another.

Relationships are a multifaceted, difficult to understand phenomenon that requires constant upkeep and a general willingness to push through the hard times to succeed. They are work, and unfortunately, for many, the happily does not come ever after. Whether you have been married, scared by love, or simply are yearning to find someone to spend life with, it is imperative to know yourself before taking this step. A therapist can help in this process, but you also have the power to engage the lessons needed to overcome past barriers, get to know yourself, develop deep, introspective love, and move on with your love life.

Dr. Thomas Maples

The Stockton Therapy Network

Divorce and Psychology

Getting Your Groove Back: Tending the Emotional Garden Post…

June 27, 2016August 13, 2020
by Dr. Thomas Maples

“This feels like the end. Everything we had worked hard for is now gone. My life, as I know it, is over. Divorce is the pits. I don’t know how I can move on.”

Is life over as you know it? Yes, but not in the way you may think. Let’s explore how divorce can effect one’s emotional state so that we may determine effective ways to let go of the emotional grief common to the death of a valued relationship.

Divorce is death. It is the death of your marriage. You spent time, effort, and energy to make your marriage work. It may have been a successful version of the American Dream with the 2.5 children, white picket fences, a loving puppy, or whatever commonly held perception of what the all American Family is comprised of these days. You may have sought to be June and Ward Cleaver, but ended up with Al and Peg Bundy. Married, With Children, you now find yourself picking up the pieces, trying to make sense of your emotional state as it relates to finding your post-marriage groove. If this is the case, then read on.

In tending to our emotional garden, it is imperative that we assume a somewhat self-centered focus for some time. This may sound counterproductive, in that we are often taught to be focused on other’s needs rather than our own. Self-centeredness is selfishness, right? In some cases, yes, but when it comes to healing after divorce, it is imperative you get to know you for you, to engage, or even re-engage areas of your life that brought you joy, solace, or content feeling from within. It is imperative that you assume accountability for the development and the promotion of your inner happiness.

Let’s face it, if you got divorced, there has probably been a prolonged period of time where either one or both both of you were discouraged. This would in turn increase tension, cause fighting, and leave either one or both of you with ill at ease feelings. You may have even sought therapy to assist you with working through your inner discontent, under the guise of saving or severing your relationship. In post-divorce life, you do not have another person to mirror from, and in turn, you must face your feelings head-on, as you get to know you for you, so that you may in turn one day move on from the grieving process that may have brought you to this article.

So how is it that you can find your happiness in post-divorce life?

Well, first and foremost, becoming self-focused, it is imperative that to assume accountability for your own happiness. Maybe you got married to secure your happiness. Or maybe it was another milestone, a goal to be accomplished on a long list of life-milestones by which you judge your individual success. Or, maybe the fear of loneliness got to you, and you sought marriage to secure your future from having to face another day of being alone. Either way, taking accountability for your emotional state will free you from the eternal dialogue that can hinder your emotional growth post-divorce.

When it comes to you, remember, that you are the creator of your own emotional health and/or illness. By relying on others to create your sense of security and happiness, you ultimately abdicate personal responsibility to understand your emotional state to another, much less qualified candidate for the job. Remember, the person you have chosen to be with also has this same burden and must find those nuances that make them happy. While the happiness you sought during marriage, or within your relationship may have escaped you, leading you to a period of self-reflection common post-divorce, this is not the end chapter of your life. It actually can be construed as a new beginning, a time ripe for the personal growth self-knowledge and development of a healthy sense of Self-love you can bring to the table in all future relationships.

How to Get The Groove Back:

Show Gratitude – Every successful person knows that gratitude stands as the foundation for everything they have been provided in life. While it may be difficult to determine things to be grateful for post-divorce, especially if you have lost time, assets, or some sense of financial security, find something that you can be grateful for. It was most likely a lack of gratitude by one or both parties that lead to the divorce. However, this does not have to remain the case. Remember, you have just got the opportunity to get to know yourself for you, outside of the relationship, and this is a reboot of sorts, a do-over that can, and will allow you to make real and effective change in your life if let it guide your being.
Schedule – The key here is to MAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF. Whether it is to exercise, meditate, have a cold-one with a friend, climb Half-Dome, Yoga, or Pilates, make sure you schedule it. You will be distracted by life, your emotions, and the 60,000 thoughts you have per day. Take control of your time, schedule a happiness time for you, and see what a difference feeling in control of your life can have as you learn navigate the good times, the bad times, the sad times, and the happy times of your life.
Get to Know Thyself – The key to self-help is to get to know yourself. You cannot do this with the endless distractions that will plague you during a normal day. Make time for yourself, and get to know yourself in silence. It is during this time, that you can begin to feel aware of your emotional state, and make small shifts within as a means to promote a better sense of balance and wellbeing.
Exercise – Wanting to shed the lbs. gained during marriage. During married life there is a sense of complacency. You no longer have this baggage, but you may have emotional or physical baggage left from the complacency you assumed during your married life. By making time for yourself, you can now free up the needed resources to bring back your ideal you. Visualize your best version of you, then begin the process of making that happen. This will not only kick start your Self-Love journey, but will also allow you to approach your life as a game. Make it fun. It is not a battle against a number, it is a journey towards emotional, physical, and even spiritual health. Who does not want to be their best, and there is no better time to start than now.
Surround Yourself with Support – While this may run in opposition to the self-centered focus spoken of above, your team will provide you invaluable support. Remember, it is about finding your happiness again. Not relying on other’s to provide your happiness for you. List things your are passionate about. Make a bucket list if you will, plan for it, and make it happen. Bring those you love on the journey. It is nice to share time and experiences with people, even if if it is in support of your personal goals. However, realize you will need to give in order to receive. In doing this, you are not being self centered. You are actually promoting your Self-development through focused attention on what you want in life. Who knows, you may even meet new people that share in your same passion.

Divorce is complex. And while there is no one road to emotional success after divorce, this forum is interactive, and we encourage clients to post feedback, ask questions, and engage in the healing journey that the grief cycle affords us post divorce. If you have questions, please feel free to write them in the comment sections. Our team will be happy to help you find the answers.

In Getting Your Groove Back, we will explore as an open forum ways you can mitigate the emotional damage a divorce can cause within your life. While there are many roads to emotional health, our team will help you navigate them to find your sense of wellbeing post-divorce.

Dr. Tom

The Stockton Therapy Network

Divorce 101

Divorce 101: Rebuilding Life after Divorce

April 29, 2016June 8, 2020
by Dr. Thomas Maples

“How do I heal and begin to rebuild my life after divorce?”

Divorce is quite possibly one of the toughest decisions you will ever make. Because of this, it is best not to take this decision lightly. Chances are, you spent much time dwelling on the choices you had to make to take this most courageous of steps. During the long process it takes to divorce a couple, it very likely that moments of self-doubt may have overtaken your mind, and the choices that were once so clear may have become muddied by emotions, regret, or the fears associated with idea of moving on with your life independently. On the other hand, there may have been times when mental clarity arose to its pre-divorce levels, and the shear will to persevere to re-engage your life and dreams in a meaningful manner became the battle cry for you to face your fears and move through the emotional torrents that arose during each step of the divorce process.

Divorce is not a simple process. While the legal aspects of a divorce are pretty standard (1) dividing assets and debts as it relates to the marital estate, (2) and dividing the time and responsibilities of parenting your children), the emotional journey behind a divorce is all but standard. It is a grieving process, and because of this, it will take time, perhaps even longer than the actual legal process to severe your marriage will take in the eyes of the law. In divorce, there are lives at stake, emotions to sort through, property to divide, time schedules to manage (both your schedule, your spouses, and your children’s schedule), and thousands of other intricately intertwined emotional, financial, and family occurrences you simply may have never of thought through as what was once just the normal chaos of family life is now divided into two separate and competing schedules with your children’s needs placed at the forefront.

After you decide to divorce, you may be initially hit with a sense of relief, one that although normal, may also be very short lived. The legal aspects of divorce are pretty straight forward. Either you, or the court will have the rights to divide the assets and liabilities assumed during your marriage “in kind.” If you choose to end in an amicable fashion, you and your spouse will have the determination of how to divide the marital estate and arrange for fair and compensatory custody arrangements. However, if you choose litigation, you will be forced to declare, divide, assume, and even let go of some of those things you you acquired during your marriage that you may hold most dear. As you begin to sort through the mountains of memories, paperwork, assets, and liabilities you have assumed during marriage, secondary grief grief patterns can arise, causing emotions such as anger, despair, hopelessness, helplessness, and sadness to become your new norm. These overwhelming feelings can overtake you personal sense of security, self efficacy, and hope for a brighter future, all during a time where you will undergo one of the most technically divisive and objective processes you will ever undertake.

What can possibly help? How can you rebuild your life after your have chosen to divorce?

Develop your team – Undergoing divorce, it will be imperative to have social supports to keep you up during the process. We are not talking Facebook in this case. Your social network must be people you can fall back on, not one of 1200 friends who will post inspirational quotes on a daily basis. Divorce is personal, and you must have people to help you through the process. The process in California will last at least six months. During this time, there can be many ups and downs you may face, and having a good social network, or just someone you can vent to will come in handy as your emotional state may get the better of you during a time you need to remain objective and impartial to your current circumstances.
Know your personal and family finances – Even if you are preparing for divorce, you should have a financial plan. Sometimes, temporary spousal support can help you (consult your attorney). However, do not be dependent on this to get you through the tough times. It takes six months in California to get divorced. Knowing what it will take for you to live independently will help spur your journey towards personal and financial independence forward. It may be difficult, but as you learn to take care of your finances independently, you will also develop necessary skills needed to successfully separate from your spouse. If you are financially dependent, you may want to open your own accounts prior to taking the steps necessary to divorce, and begin to attain the funds and the contacts needed to assure your transition towards your independence.
Consult an attorney – This is quite possibly one of the most important steps you can take during your divorce. Law governs the division of the marital estate, the finances, and the welfare of children. It is not always based upon what may be right or wrong; nor is it based upon any single fault one party may have in the causation of the divorce. An attorneys will help to assure that your legal rights are not impeded upon, and will assist you with the steps needed to successfully divide your marital estate and reach a child custody / visitation arrangement.
Seeking professional help to sort through your emotions – While normal to seek solace and understanding from your family members, you must remember, they are part of your family and cannot give you objective advise. They are on your side, and because of this, they will always side with your thoughts and emotions regarding what you believe to be right, wrong, and / or fair. They cannot be impartial, and can even spur on poor decisions due to their misconceptions about divorce. In divorce, emotions run high. However, there irrational nature greatly impedes your ability to make rational thoughts, the key decision making elements needed to successfully undertake a divorce. This is not about “getting even,” it is about “getting back to even,” ground that is, as you will undoubtedly face a number of ups and downs a licensed therapist can help you with. Remember, your attorney, although titled a counselor, is a counselor at law. They are payed to divide, and are also non objective parties, that must 100% side with your positions. A therapist can step into this objective role and help you sort the emotions can affect, if not derail the important decisions you will have to make during the divorce process.
Find your new health habits – During your marriage, you have undoubtedly set yourself into routines. Routines can be good, if they promote overall emotional, spiritual, and physical health. However, sometimes the habits that affected your marriage, can also derail your journey towards optimal health during your single life. During divorce, you should shy away from habits that can promote further depression or anxiety: these include drug and alcohol use. Engaging in healthy habits, such as exercise, getting involved in community events, re-engaging a spiritual path, and meeting with a therapist can help you overcome the emotional difficulties associated with depression, keep anxiety at bay through the release of much needed endorphins, and help you begin to make meaning about the overall journey your life has undertaken.
Give yourself time to forgive – You will never forget this journey, but you can eventually forgive. This will stand as the catalyst of letting go of the emotional constraints divorce can cause. If you tie your emotional state into feelings of retribution, or “getting even,” then your emotions continue to be married to your spouse, even though you may be long separated. This stands as the catalyst for continued custody conflicts, which ultimately hurt your children, and the expense of what is perceived to be protective factors. You may as well still be married. By learning to forgive, even though it may take time, you take your emotions back, can rebuild healthy, unilateral relationships with your children, and can begin the process of healing you seek to undertake.The process of healing after divorce is long and complex.

Divorce 101 will be an examination of the emotional journey undertaken to heal from the ravages of divorce. Feel free to comment, or to ask questions regarding this blog. Dr. Thomas Maples is a psychotherapist, marriage and child counselor, and has 16 years experience working with individuals, couples, and children that have undertaken divorce or have family conflicts. He is married to Anna Y. Maples, Family Law Attorney, and founder of Maples Family Law, a law firm based on finding solutions to the complex nuances associated with family law cases.

Tag: <span>Healing from Divorce</span>

Love, Longing, and Getting Back to Even: 5 Strategies…

Getting Your Groove Back: Tending the Emotional Garden Post…

Divorce 101: Rebuilding Life after Divorce