Category: <span>Parenting</span>

13 Co-Parenting Rules to Live By

July 6, 2019October 23, 2019
by Angie

Many people feel more comfortable working with their former spouses when they have co-parenting rules in place.

Co-parenting with your ex isn’t always easy to do, but if you’re like most parents, your children are your main concern. When you and your ex have decided to co-parent – meaning, you’ve agreed to work together to raise your children – you’ve made a great choice for your kids.

Sometimes it’s rough, but if you and your ex-spouse can follow these co-parenting rules, it’ll be easier on all of you.

13 Co-Parenting Rules to Live By

Setting boundaries for each other as co-parents takes away some of the stress many co-parents face. These co-parenting rules aren’t hard-and-fast, but they’re guidelines that you and your ex may want to follow:

Remember that it’s not about you.
Commit to good communication.
Make a plan.
Be flexible.
Be forgiving.
Don’t forget that your kids are watching (and learning).
Leave the kids out of it.
Watch what you say around (or to) the kids.
Don’t fight.
Be consistent.
Respect each other’s time with your kids.
Work hard to agree on big issues.
Don’t use the kids as messengers.

Let’s take a closer look at each of these.

Co-Parenting Rule #1: Remember that it’s not about you.

You’re co-parenting for your kids’ benefit, so remember, it’s all about them. If your ex is being argumentative, try to remind yourself that the primary focus is on your little ones – and discuss only things relating to them.

Co-Parenting Rule #2: Commit to good communication.

Keep each other in the loop. Choose a communication method that works best for everyone and stick to it… and push yourself to be a good communicator. Sometimes the best method of communication is through text or by email, because it allows you to think things through before you respond – and it provides a paper trail in case you ever need it.

Co-Parenting Rule #3: Make a plan.

Determine what’s most important in raising your children by discussing your goals with your ex. You two, together, can make a plan that covers most of the major issues divorced parents face. What will you do if your children act out? How will you deal with homework, chores, sports and school events? What about your kids’ privileges? If you address these things with your ex now, co-parenting will be easier in the future.

Related: How to develop a parenting plan

Co-Parenting Rule #4: Be flexible.

You and your ex most likely have a parenting time agreement in place, but you both need to be flexible when things come up. Appointments, special activities, illness – there are dozens of reasons you or your ex may need to shift your plans, but as long as you communicate (see Rule #2), nobody will come out worse for wear.

Co-Parenting Rule #5: Be forgiving.

Nobody’s perfect, and we all make mistakes. Don’t hold a grudge, because doing so will derail your ability to communicate with each other. Even worse, it’ll limit your ability to co-parent effectively because your emotions will get in the way of making the best possible decisions for your children.

Co-Parenting Rule #6: Don’t forget that your kids are watching (and learning).

The old saying “Little pitchers have big ears” is just as true today as it was a century ago. Kids hear and see everything – even if you think they’re not paying attention. They’re learning from you both, and the way you deal with each other makes a big impact on what they see as normal and right.

Related: Divorce with kids

Co-Parenting Rule #7: Leave the kids out of it.

Never, ever make your kids feel like they’re in the middle of a tug-of-war. Kids want to love and respect both of you, but when you put them in the middle, they’re automatically going to gravitate toward one side (and if you’re the parent adding stress, it might not be your side they take).

Co-Parenting Rule #8: Watch what you say around (or to) the kids.

Little comments like, “We can’t buy that because Dad doesn’t pay his child support on time” or “I can’t believe she’s always late picking you up – what is she doing?” can be harmful to your kids and to your co-parenting relationship. Be careful what you say while they’re within earshot, too (see Rule #6).

Co-Parenting Rule #9: Don’t fight.

When you and your ex have a parenting plan you can turn to in the event of a dispute, you’ll disagree less. But still, your ex is your ex for a reason – and it’s easy to get sucked into an argument. It happens to everyone! Your job, though, is to keep it away from the kids. Don’t fight or argue in front of them. (Fair warning: This might be one of the hardest rules to follow.)

Co-Parenting Rule #10: Be consistent.

Try to keep the big stuff the same in both houses, like bedtime and basic chores. All the rules don’t have to match up, because sometimes that’s just not feasible. However, you do have to set rules in your home and stick to them. Kids thrive in environments with limits, as long as they know exactly what those limits are.

Co-Parenting Rule #11: Respect each other’s time with your kids.

You both deserve quality time with your kids, but more importantly, your kids deserve quality time with both of you. Don’t make plans that interfere with your ex’s time with the children without making sure it’s okay first, and certainly don’t call and text constantly while your kids are with their other parent.

Co-Parenting Rule #12: Work hard to agree on big issues.

You can’t address everything in your parenting plan because parenting isn’t cut-and-dry – and new issues will pop up as your children grow. Try to agree on big issues, like when your kids are allowed to date, what to do when they break curfew or how to handle new (and challenging) behaviors. If you can’t agree, find an expert – like a mediator, counselor or therapist – who can help you both.

Co-Parenting Rule #13: Don’t use the kids as messengers.

Your kids want to be free to love you both, but if you’re using them as messengers, they’re in the middle of adult problems. It’s fine to say “Tell your dad I said hello” or “Dad asked if you can send my dress shoes next time,” but anything bigger than that needs to be communicated directly to your ex.

The bottom line is that most people are fully capable of co-parenting after a divorce. It’s hard, but it’s possible – and with the right ground rules in place, you can pull it off.

Do You Need to Talk to an Attorney About Divorce or Child Custody?

We’ve helped many people through divorce, and we can help you, too. As family law attorneys serving Stockton and the surrounding communities, we have extensive experience dealing with parenting plans and other divorce issues.

Call us at (209) 546-6870 to let us know what you’re going through. We’ll begin developing a strategy that gets you and your children the best possible outcome—and we’ll give you all the support you need during this difficult time.

Divorce

The Long-Term Effects of Divorce on Children

May 30, 2019August 13, 2020
by Angie

If you’re like many parents considering a marital split, you’re wondering about the long-term effects of divorce on children.

The good news: The vast majority of children are perfectly fine. Some experience a few bumps in the road – but with the right parental attention and, in some cases, counseling or therapy, they’re fine, too.

So what are the long-term effects of divorce on children, and how can you help them through this new phase of their lives? Here’s what you need to know.

Related: Divorce and children

The Long-Term Effects of Divorce on Children

Researches have extensively studied the short- and long-term effects that divorce has on kids. The bottom line is that parents who actively try to minimize stresses on their children see more favorable outcomes than those who don’t.

In many cases, divorce is the best choice – not just for the parents, but for the children, as well. That’s because it’s far healthier to raise your children separately (or even on your own) than it is for them to watch a toxic relationship in action. When parents are unhappy, it’s contagious… even when parents think they’re doing a good job of covering it up.

The fact is, too, that more than 40 percent of all marriages end in divorce. When children are younger – still in their formative years – divorce’s effects can be more long-lasting. Research shows that kids of parents who successfully reestablish themselves, either on their own or within a new marriage, can improve children’s quality of life.

Related: 11 good divorce books for kids

But the bottom line is that conflict between parents is what causes the issues kids experience in the first place. For some parents, that conflict sticks around after divorce (sometimes even years later) – and that’s what’s detrimental to kids.

Related: What is co-parenting?

What You Can Do to Minimize the Effects of Divorce on Your Kids

Simply being there for your children and minimizing the amount of conflict they see between you and your spouse can have tremendous positive effects on them. Seeking help immediately when you see signs of trouble is absolutely essential (you can ask your Stockton divorce lawyer for advice on choosing a therapist, too).

You can help your kids in other ways, too, and minimize the long-term effects of your marital break-up by:

Keeping your children on a steady, reliable routine – even if they’re older.
Confining negativity to your own therapy sessions or chats with your friends when your children can’t hear.
Staying involved in your kids’ lives, and insisting that your ex do the same.

Five Things Your Child Wants You to Know During Divorce

Your kids might struggle to put these things into words, but this is what they want you to know:

Don’t say mean things about my other parent. I love you both, and you’re both important to me – and when one of you criticizes the other, I feel defensive and can get angry at the parent who’s saying mean things.
Don’t use me as a messenger. My job is to be a kid, not a courier, and if you have to communicate with my other parent, it’s up to you to call, text or email him or her.
Find a counselor you can talk to if you don’t have other adults in your circle – don’t tell me your stresses or your problems, because I need you to parent me… I can’t be your parent.
Remember that I have to move every few days to see you or my other parent, and that’s not easy. My whole world is different, and it’s going to take me some time to adjust. If you want me to feel like I live in both places, please help me make them both my own – I need toothbrushes, clothes, toys and my favorite foods so I don’t feel like I’m just visiting.
Don’t try to win me over with bribes. Even if I’m young, I can see through them – and even worse, they can damage my relationship with you and my other parent.

Do You Need to Learn More About the Long-Term Effects of Divorce on Children, or About Getting a Divorce in California?

If you need to know more about divorce in California, we may be able to help you. Call us at (209) 546-6870 to schedule a consultation with divorce attorney Anna Maples. We’ll answer your questions about child custody, child support and other matters, as well as refer you to local professionals if you need help that we can’t provide, such as divorce counseling or asset management.

Guardianship

Child Grief During Guardianship: What You Need to Know

March 2, 2019May 24, 2020
by Angie

Child grief is a difficult subject – but for many legal guardians who are responsible for caring for kids, it’s a reality.

So if you’re a child’s guardian and the child is grieving for his or her parents, what can you do to help?

Child Grief During Guardianship: What You Need to Know

The courts in California award guardianship for a number of reasons. In some cases, it’s because a child’s parents have passed away, or they’re incapable of caring for the child due to physical, mental or medical issues. In any case, as a guardian, you may be faced with serious child grief – and you need to know how to help the child you care so much about.

Child Grief

Children react differently than adults do. They haven’t achieved the emotional maturity we adults have, and in many cases, they’re a little confused about what’s happening to them – both with the guardianship (“Is this permanent?”) and with what’s going on with their biological parents. In many cases, kids benefit from talking to a therapist who understands what they’re going through.

Child Grief After the Death of a Parent

If you’re the guardian of a child whose parent has died, you need to know that sometimes kids feel immediate grief; in other cases, children have a persistent belief that the family member is still alive. Many experts suggest that you shouldn’t force a child to go to a funeral – but if the child doesn’t want to go, maybe you can plan to honor or remember the person in a meaningful way, such as lighting candles, telling stories, or saying prayers for the child’s loved one.

Watch for signs of serious problems, such as:

A decline in performance at school
Acting as if they are younger than they are
Believing they are seeing or talking to the deceased person
Extended periods of depression that cause the child to lose interest in normal activities and events
Fear of being alone
Imitating the deceased person
Inability to sleep
Loss of appetite
Statements about wanting to join the deceased person
Withdrawal from friends

If you notice any of these problems, it’s a good idea to get outside help from a licensed therapist who’s qualified to work with children.

Child Grief After Being Separated From Parents

Children who are separated from their parents often experience grief, as well, although it may be different from the type of grief they’d experience if a parent passed away. Your role as a guardian is to understand the child’s developmental level and help him or her deal with the loss in a responsible way. Experts suggest not focusing on the behaviors they exhibit themselves, but the cause of the behavior instead – and in many cases, it’s grief.

Toddlers and Grief

Sometimes toddlers regress; for example, they leave behind the toilet training skills they once had. They may also have trouble communicating, particularly if the biological parent was their “interpreter,” or they may have difficulty establishing their own identity.

What you can do:

Pay attention to meeting the child’s dependency needs, but help him or her feel more adequate and independent on his or her own terms
Don’t put pressure on the child to attain new skills

Preschoolers and Grief

Sometimes preschoolers misunderstand the causes of parental separation – and they think it’s their fault.

What you can do:

Reassure the child that he or she isn’t at fault
Give plenty of opportunities to play, because that’s how kids at this age sort out their feelings
Give the child age-appropriate explanations for the separation

Grade-School Children and Grief

School-aged children might lose quite a bit of energy when they’re grieving, and they might believe that they’re “different” from their peers. Sometimes this causes behavioral issues with their peers.

What you can do:

Give the child time to grieve so he or she can focus on other tasks when it’s time to
Provide factual, age-appropriate information
Help the child come up with a way to answer questions from peers if it becomes necessary

Adolescents and Grief

Adolescents are already testing the waters and opposing authority figures to discover their own boundaries, but being separated from a parent can disrupt the natural order of things. Some adolescents have control issues, particularly when they feel that the biggest issues in their lives are outside their control.

What you can do:

Provide adolescents with as many opportunities as possible to be in control of their own lives
Let adolescents make decisions about their own futures
Provide adolescents with as much information as you can

Are You Seeking Guardianship of a Child?

If you’re an adult who’s seeking guardianship of a child, we may be able to help you. Call us at 209-910-9865 to set up a consultation with a Stockton family law attorney today.

Divorce

Parental Rights for Fathers in California

August 19, 2018January 17, 2019
by Angie

In the state of California, parental rights for fathers are incredibly important – and they’re equal to maternal rights. Under state law, fathers have just as much right to see, spend time with and bond with their children as mothers do, and the state (as well as the courts) recognize how important it is for both parents to be active participants in their kids’ lives.

Parental Rights for Fathers

When parents are married at the time of a child’s birth, paternity is presumed. That means the mother’s husband is automatically considered to be the child’s father. That extends past marriage, though – if a child is born and someone is living with the family and fulfilling a fatherly role (by demonstrating a commitment to the child), that person can also be considered the child’s father, even if he isn’t biologically related.

If neither of these circumstances are present, you need to establish your paternity.

Things can get pretty confusing when it comes to parentage, so this might be a good discussion to have with a child custody lawyer in Stockton.

California’s Parental Rights: Fathers’ Rights to Custody and Visitation

As a father, you have the absolute right to seek custody and visitation rights with your children. The law doesn’t discriminate between dads and moms – instead, each parent has equal rights (and equal responsibilities) when it comes to being with the kids.

There are two types of custody: Legal and physical.

Legal Custody	Physical Custody
Legal custody refers to a parent’s authority to participate in big decisions about the child’s health, education and welfare. Most parents share legal custody.	Legal custody refers to a parent’s authority to participate in big decisions about the child’s health, education and welfare. Most parents share legal custody.

If you and your spouse don’t agree to who gets legal and physical custody between yourselves, either as joint custody or full custody, the judge in your case will decide for you. When the judge has to decide, he or she will look at several factors – but the bottom line is that the judge’s decision is supposed to be based on what’s best for the children.

These are some of the factors judges look at in deciding who gets custody in California:

The child’s age
The child’s health
The emotional ties that exist between each parent and the child
The child’s ties to school, home and the community
The ability of each parent to emotionally, financially and physically care for the child
Whether there’s a history of family violence
Whether there’s a history of substance abuse in the family

Do You Need to Talk to a Lawyer About Parental Rights for Fathers?

If you’re not sure where you stand in all of this, you’re not alone – a lot of people are thrown off by the fact that California, like most states, used to favor the mother when it came to rights to the children.

But that was a long time ago, and now, the law and the judges who execute it see mothers and fathers as equals.

We can help you preserve your parental rights as a father, whether you and your ex disagree about child custody, child support or anything else – and we can help you if you agree, too.

Call us at (209) 546-6246 for a divorce case review. You’ll talk to an experienced Stockton divorce lawyer who can give you the advice you need to begin moving forward.

Divorce and Psychology

Practical Parenting: Oh no — the sky is falling!

August 3, 2018September 16, 2019
by tobyrosen

via Dr. Thomas C. Maples, Ph.D of Stockton Therapy Network

How are we to stay positive for our children in such of a barrage of negative messages we are subjected to daily?

Today I watched my children staring at their personal devices. One was watching Stampy play his some-odd hundredth episode of Let’s Play Minecraft and the other was also watching Stampy play Splatoon Two. Each child has their own taste; and who wouldn’t want to have a varied interest from one’s older or younger brother. While I do not understand at face value the meaning behind watching other people play a game versus playing it yourself, one thing began to stand out for me as I listened to the two equally engaging storylines: both focused on positive aspects of life from the art of story telling of hero’s and heroine’s who make the storyline take place. Were my children, in all their simplistic beauty, on to something that my more complexly trained, social scientist mind could not grasp. I believe they were.

Every morning, I go to the gym. It’s healthy. I get the endorphins flowing, and my mind clears, as I run the elliptical and pummel through the weights. However, I can’t help but be distracted while I am their by the 20 screens that buy for my attention; yes, literally 20 screens that buy for my attention while I am supposed to be focused on my physical and mental health. In a prior article, entitled Turn Off, Tune Out, and Drop In: Media, Politics, and the Social Spin Cycle as Symptom & Dream I explored how it seems that our brains are programmed on a daily basis through traditional and social media’s reliance on catastrophizing. An insight arose for me when writing this article, and I committed myself to not stare at the 20 screens that buy for my attention. However, being ADHD, I also at times cannot help but notice that my focus moves from the reading material I that bring to expand my mind to the brainless commentary offered by the 20 different channels, most of them newscasts that permeate the gym.

If you listen to the journalists, every day “the sky is falling.” They provide commentary on how law and social order are somehow, not lawful or orderly enough. They promote traditional as old, social chaos as right, and seem to center their beleifs not on objectivity, but subjective oppinion as a basis to educate both adults and children on what is right as a means to raise the next generation. What was once considered right, is now flipped upon itself, and values are quickly being changed at a whim without consideration of the deeply engrained structures they represent; and all of this is being “programmed” within us in the name of progress.

This brings me to the moral of today’s story: how do we help our children process the information they are subjected to while passing on our own moral code and ethics? How do we pass on the values, which, despite what the media attempts to inform you of as being wrong, ultimately stands as the foundation for your children’s future success? This article is about practical parenting, not political commentary. But as I watched Stampy play his “lovely” games, it struck me. You are over thinking it. You have to engage your children where they are at. You have to engage them by what they they watch, play, and read.

As a child therapist, I often engage in play as a means to help children sort through their emotions. Children are simple. They engage their emotional states through play. They love to color, play board games, will even engage in a video game, and yes, the love to even watch other players play the video games they love. They do this to engage with storylines they find interesting. These actions form the foundation of their moral reasoning.

In a time not so distant, we told our children stories. Fairytales formed the foundation from which children learned of adults who had evil intentions, formed the basis general safety habbits, and exposed their mind to hero’s and heroine’s who despite adversity, somehow overcame most of the hardships they faced to live “happily ever after.” These were not only stories of legend used to expose children to everyday occurrences and ways to overcome adversity; these stories acted as a cornerstone from which children could interact freely through their burgeoning imagination with adult life to come. By telling stories, children were allowed to interact more freely with their parent’s values, learning, and passing them on through the context of lived interaction. In the act of telling stories, mothers and fathers sat down to pass on the very story lines that were important to them as a child. In doing this engaged their children in a way that not only provided direct access to their familial and cultural lineage, but also formed the foundation for the continued success of their psychological development. Now, the story tellers all seem to be online, and there appears to be general levels of disconnect, as many of the messages children are exposed to may not reflect the traditional values you find dear. In fact, your child may be watching a storyteller tale a tell tale that is age appropriate, but it’s intent is overshadowed by commercialism buying for valuable adspace that is not necessarily age appropriate. PARENTS, MONITOR WHAT YOUR CHILD SEE’S ON SOCIAL MEDIA (INCLUDING YOUTUBE).

If your child is exposed to electronic devises, chances are they are exposed to idea that “the sky is falling.” They may even have this ideal deeply engrained without ever having been exposed to the storyline of the once neurotic “Chicken Little.” How can they not be in this day and age of bad, worst yet, and worst ever news we are constantly exposed too by network and social media. As a social scientist, I understand the drastic effects that constant exposure to these kind of messages have on a child’s growing psyche. They set the foundation for future anxiety and depression by forcing messages of unconscious hopelessness and helplessness. If something is wrong at every corner they are exposed, where is the hope for the future that children must have as a foundation for healthy self-esteem. Where are the heros they are to idolize as a means to find the courage and strength to overcome life’s obsticles. What are we to do, if our children, or even worse, we have adapted a “sky is falling” attitude.

Go Outside: There is something so beautiful and wonderfully connecting when you simply get away from the electronics and go outside with your children. Your children are programmed to play. It helps them to get their seemingly endless supply of energy out, gives them natural, not artificial experiences, and is even good for you for general stress reliever.
Listen to Music: values are passed on through the music we listen too. Please make sure it is age appropriate. Because like I said, values ARE passed on by the music we listen too. Children begin to form their identity and values of life based upon the messages they receive, both overtly and discreetly. If you are listening to music that curses or puts specific genders or races down, this will be the meta-messages your child will assume as normal behavior. If you disagree, watch how quickly a child assimilates the language of someone they idolize. You might as well channel this energy towards someone worth idealizing who assumes a similar value set as you or your family.
Read or Listen to an Audio Book: stories have a profound influence on your child. Discuss the moral of each story, and the learned parts that you find of value. This will allow you direct access to understand their emerging values. It will also help you to pass on your own values to their emerging psyche. Last Night, I had to explain to my four-year old son the ending scene of the book “The Alchemist.” He was confused when the book said the protagonist realized that the soul of the world was intimately connected to the soul of God, which in turn was a reflection of his own soul. I told him, we are all connected with God, and by having a piece of him with us, we have the ability to make “nice” choices. I know! It was not a work of theological fact, but it prompted him to think about how he can make good choices in life.
Engage in a Craft: Formalized Education is a relatively new phenomenon. In prior years, skills were passed on from parent to child in a manner that helped them to survive and thrive in a skill set that was of value. This is not the case these days, where children must stay in a work type setting for nearly 8 hours a day called school. However, just because the social order has changed, does not mean that human biology or psychology has caught up. Children yearn to learn from mom and dad. Teach them a skill you love, you will soon see your child flourish, and possibly even surpass you within the skill set you taught. And what is even better, you have taught a lifelong skill that one day your child may value som much it becomes part of their work ethic.

You only have one chance at raising your child. Take a Moment to Make a Moment. Please, tell me your experiences with Practical Parenting.

Divorce and Psychology

Practical Parenting: Take a moment to make a moment

August 1, 2018July 6, 2020
by tobyrosen

via Dr. Thomas C. Maples, Ph.D of Stockton Therapy Network

In the daily hustle and bustle of life, we often find ourselves stressed out for time. Sound familiar? It is an all to common event, especially in a time where it seems that every moment is accounted for in a manner that seems to give us no control over our daily lives. I know from personal experience, that until I became conscious of time, it just seemed to slip away from my grasp. It was as if someone or something else was in control of my time, let alone my life; what was even worse, I would casually speak with my wife about how time seems to slip away, as we both lovingly gazed upon our children, talking about how fast it seems that they are growing up.

Time is a tricky phenomenon, one that is highly difficult to grasp, let alone assume control over. As Einstein’s theory states, time is relative. What’s worse, it is the only commodity that we can never take back. However, those that suffer most from the lack of ability or willingness we have to take control of time are the very one’s that need it the most, the children we so deeply love.

It only takes a moment to make a moment?

This morning, during my first hour awake, I noticed I had told my son’s on at least 4 occasions to hold on, to wait a minute, what (as I found myself distracted with a new app. buying for my attention), and worse yet, “I don’t have the time” when I was asked to take them to a Pokemon gym to make a seven day streak of Pocket Monster hunting. As a professional, a doctor, a writer, a business person, and more importantly, a father, husband, and a family man, I wear many hats during the day. But which one assumes the most importance, and at what time? This is the most difficult question that affects me on any given day, especially as it relates to time management. However, it is one I am very familiar with, seeing both children and adults in my practice. This crunch for time seems to be very much a collective phenomena, especially as it relates to the general levels of psychological a and physiological distress time management problems cause.

Where does the time go? And more important, how can I assure that I attend to not only my children’s needs, but also their wishes, desires, and dreams? How can I balance their desires with my own personal ambitions, let alone find balance between my familial, personal, and professional obligations and the dreams I wish to pursue to make my life whole and worthwhile. Can anyone say stressful? But this seems to be the plight of all career parents.

It only takes a moment to make a moment in your child’s life! As I realized that I told my sons no, that I didn’t have time to take them to get that seven day Pokemon streak, I became conscious of what I was doing. I was simply allowing other priorities to control the precious time I do have to spend with them. I unconsciously gave up control of the one thing I do have control over, my schedule. For a professional, it is hard to come to grasp with this concept. I have people I need to see, things I need to do, employees to worry about, let alone spending a moment to engage in “play?” To this my mind focused, on what is more important, taking that moment to play, or loosing the battle of my childrens’ healthy psychological development over something as rudimentary as 10 minutes to just take a break and teach them to Poke-Hunt. My answer was clear.

I took the time to go spin that Pokemon Stop and catch those Pokemon with my sons. However, I also took the time to inquire of them a simple question that became the basis for this article. What is the most important thing for you to do with your parents? They answered eagerly, “go on vacation with you guys.”

In a way, I think the vacation we just took was fresh in their memory. It had to be, as everyone is still overcoming the tiredness of jet-lag present. So as a social scientist, I had to think for a minute. Is this the correct answer? Something was not sitting fully right with me. Because I know that my children have much more fond memories than the vacations we go on. I began to think, what is the most important thing you can do with your children? The answer became clear.

When you go on vacation with your child, the one thing you give them is uninterrupted time. By exposing your children to uninterrupted time, you expose them to your values, give them an opportunity to interact with the lessons and passions you find important, and more importantly, you allow them access to your moral compass. While not every day can be a vacation, as a parent, you can commit to at least moments to make a profound impact on your child’s life. It Only Takes a Moment to Make a Moment in the life of a child. Those moments will add up to great results in the relationship you and your children establish for the future. Those moments also secure the foundation for their success as adults, who will one day face the same challenges you have as a parent.

Have you taken a moment with your child today? Please share what you have done and your thoughts. Much appreciated.

Divorce

Helping Your Kids Deal With the Effects of Divorce

July 24, 2018August 4, 2020
by Angie

If you’re like most parents going through divorce, you want what’s best for your kids – but how are you supposed to help them through this process?

Helping Your Kids Deal With the Effects of Divorce

There are dozens of great ways you can help your children cope with this situation, like getting them divorce books written just for kids or learning how the divorce is affecting them… but there are many other things you can do that lots of moms and dads overlook. Some of the most important are:

Sheltering kids from visible conflict
Minimizing disruptions to the kids’ routines
Keeping negativity away from the kids
Staying involved with the children’s lives

Sheltering Kids From Visible Conflict During Divorce

The last thing you and your ex should do is fight in front of your children.

“Children rely on their home environment for stability and comfort in order for them to develop emotionally. When there is conflict, it can feel as though their world is crumbling, and their sense of safety and trust becomes compromised. Certain issues that seem trivial to adults are intensified a great deal in the mind of a child,” says Allison Fosberry, M.A.

If you sense a fight brewing, hit the brakes. Wait until your children aren’t around – or, better yet, try your hardest to resolve the conflict without anger. Sometimes working with a therapist can help you learn new (and healthier) ways to deal with conflict.

Minimizing Disruptions to the Kids’ Routines During Divorce

Keeping kids’ routines as stable as possible can be tremendously helpful.

“Create a predictable environment by enforcing structure. After a divorce, children’s routines often fly out the window! Talk to your children about your family’s routines and be clear about what will stay the same and what will change,” says Neil Farber, M.D., Ph.D., CLC, CPT.

Keeping Negativity Away From the Kids During Divorce

It’s easy to let negativity suck you in during divorce – in fact, there are a lot of days where it might be tough to see the “positives.” But keeping it confined to therapy or private conversations away from your children is absolutely necessary.

Staying Involved in Your Children’s Lives During Divorce

Perhaps one of the most important things you can do for your children during (and after) divorce is to stay involved in their lives. Even if your kids don’t seem to want your attention, keep pursuing – they (and you) will be glad you did. Try to make the most of the time you have together and ensure that your kids have their own comfortable spaces in your home, where they always feel welcome and safe.

Do You Need Family Law Help?

We can help you and provide you with case-specific legal advice.

Call 209-546-6870 to schedule a consultation with Stockton divorce attorney Anna Y. Maples today.

Divorce

Divorce With Kids: How Children Are Affected When Their…

June 25, 2018January 17, 2019
by Angie

If you’re a parent who’s getting divorced, here’s what you need to know about divorce with kids – how it affects them and what you can do to make things easier.

Divorce With Kids: How Children Are Affected When Their Parents Split

Divorce is almost always stressful for children. Most don’t want their parents to separate, although some are relieved to get away from constant conflict and anger. However, the good news is that the vast majority of kids whose parents divorce don’t end up with serious emotional or behavioral problems. Generally, kids from divorced families are resilient (they learn it from parents who do a good job managing stress).

There are dozens of studies that show children whose parents divorce end up completely fine.

During the divorce, though, your children will have to deal with big life changes – no matter how old they are. They have to adjust to going back and forth between two households, the daily absence of one parent, and even seeing the loss of love between their parents. It’s what’s considered a “watershed moment” because life after the event is significantly different than it was before the event. Kids thrive on dependability, whether they’re small or older, which means this event is a big shake-up.

But there are things you can do to make things easier for your kids: The 3 Rs.

How to Make Divorce Easier on Your Kids

The three Rs that help restore a child’s trust in familiarity and dependability are:

Routines
Rituals
Reassurance

Routines

Stick to a routine as much as possible – and you’ll get bonus points if it’s close to the old routine. Kids thrive on trusting that what they’re doing will remain the same, and they’re constantly on the lookout for things that are similar to the “old life.” Establish household routines they can get used to, and make sure that they know when to expect to visit with each parent and that your home will remain the same, unchanged, while they’re gone. (Pro tip: Check out these 11 good divorce books for kids to incorporate into bedtime routines.)

Rituals

Having routines allows children to create rituals that allow them to feel as if they have more control over their lives. When kids can exert some control, they feel better (which is different from letting them run everything, by the way!) about the future, and psychologists suggest that this plays a huge role in the way kids learn to approach new things. It might also prevent older kids from taking control with defiant, rebellious, or even dangerous behaviors.

Reassurance

By constantly reassuring your children that your love for them will never change, you’ll do so much for their self-esteem. Remember, they’ve seen the loss of love between you and their other parent; that means that even subconsciously, they may question the love between you and them. The more you show and tell your children how much you love them, the stronger and more resilient they’ll be.

Do You Need to Talk to a Stockton Divorce Attorney About Child Custody, Child Support or Other Issues?

If you need to talk to a Stockton divorce attorney about child custody, child support or other issues because you’re still contemplating divorce or because your spouse has already filed, we may be able to help you.

Call us at (209) 546-6870 to schedule a consultation with California divorce attorney Anna Maples today.

Child Custody

Parentage in California – The Law & Implications of…

May 31, 2018September 16, 2019
by tobyrosen

When a party initiates a “paternity case”, which is synonymous with a “parentage case”, the Court is tasked with issuing an order determining the “legal parents” of a child. As we will discuss below, this is not always the biological parents of the child. A Court order stating that an individual is a “legal parent” of a child has far reaching implications. While this is hardly an exhaustive list, the “legal parent” of a child is obligated to provide financial support for their child, they can provide their child with life insurance or health insurance, their child gains the right to inherit, and the “legal parent” is able to access their child’s medical records and history.

The simplest situation arises when a child is born to a couple during their marriage, in this case parentage is usually not an issue. There is a “conclusive presumption” that a child born to a couple during marriage is the child of both spouses; this “conclusive presumption” operates to establish parentage as a matter of law in most cases. A few examples of when the “conclusive presumption” applies include:

At the time the child was conceived or born, the father was married to the child’s mother;
At the time the child was conceived or born, the father had attempted to marry the child’s mother, but the marriage was invalid for some legal deficiency;
After the child was born, the father married the child’s mother and either
1. Agreed to have his name on the child’s birth-certificate; or
2. Agreed to support the child
After the child was born, the father openly treated the child as his own; this is referred to as “parentage by estoppel.”

The situation becomes more complicated when a child is born to an unmarried couple. In the case of children born out of wedlock, the Court will need to issue an Order determining the “legal parents” of the child.

The most complicated situation arises where a child is born to a marriage, but the spouse is not the biological parent of that child; that is beyond the scope of this article. This article will briefly discuss the law & implications surrounding being a “legal parent.”

What Does it Mean to “Establish Parentage”?

There are two avenues of establishing parentage: (1) A party may seek an order from the Court stating who the “legal parents” are, or (2) the parties may sign a “declaration of Paternity”, which states which individuals are the “legal parents” of a child. The most common situation that arises is where a child was born to a couple out of wedlock.

Example: Fred Father is not married to Monica Mother when Dayna Daughter is born. At this point in time, Dayna’s “legal parent” is Monica. This remains true even if Fred can prove he is Dayna’s biological father. At this point, Fred cannot provide Dayna with the family-benefits he may have earned through his employment, while Monica can. Fred will not have any legal rights or responsibilities relating to Dayna until he has “established parentage.”

Taking the example above a step further, let’s assume Fred and Monica had a less-than-friendly breakup, and Monica does not want Fred to be involved in Dayna’s life. Without establishing parentage, Fred has no claim to custody, visitation, or child support. The Court must first establish parentage (note that Fred can request an order for child support, custody, and/or visitation as part of claim to establish parentage). A party seeking to establish the parentage of an individual who is unwilling to admit that they are the parent of a child can seek, and obtain, a Court order requiring the alleged mother, father, and child to submit to genetic testing.

Once the “legal parents” have been established, they have all the legal responsibilities and rights associated with being a parent. This includes, but is not limited to:

The right to request visitation (also referred to as “parenting time”) orders so that they may legally visit their child;
The right to request custody orders;
The obligation to pay child support;
The obligation to pay ½ of the health-care (uninsured health-care) costs of the child; and
The obligation to pay ½ of the child-care costs of a child, provided those costs were incurred as a result of the parent who has custody going to work or school.

It bears emphasizing that if you are the “legal parent” of a child, you are legally obligated to support that child. It is a punishable offense to fail to support your child and may have a significant impact on other aspects of your life (i.e., obtaining a passport).

Why Should I “Establish Parentage”?

Having identified parents is important for a child’s psychological well-being, among other things. In addition to the psychological benefit to the child, “establishing parentage” entitles the child to privileges and rights, including:

The right to receive financial support from two (2) parents;
Legal documentation, which identifies the child’s parents;
Health insurance coverage from either parent;
Life insurance coverage from either parent; and
The legal right to inheritance from both parents

In addition to the benefits to the child mentioned above, “establishing parentage” allows the Court to make numerous Orders benefitting one or both “legal parents.” These orders include the ability to obtain reimbursement for birth and pregnancy expenses.

It is an unfortunate reality, but sometimes people do not want to pay support for their children, without “establishing parentage” the Courts simply do not have the authority to force them to make payments. To answer the question posed above, “Why should I establish parentage?” the answer is “to protect yourself, and to protect your child.”

How Do I Establish Parentage?

For purposes of this article, there are two (2) methods of “establishing parentage” when the “conclusive presumption” discussed above do not apply:

Obtaining a Court Order; or
Signing a Voluntary Declaration of Paternity

The Voluntary Declaration of Paternity is an official California form, which establishes the signing parties as the child’s “legal parent.” This form follows general contract law, in that the signature must be voluntary; that means defenses such as duress, fraud, and mistake could theoretically undo the effect of a Voluntary Declaration of Paternity. The purpose of the Voluntary Declaration of Paternity is to legally establish the identity of a child’s parents, including the rights and obligations associated with being a parent, when the parents of the child are unmarried. A properly executed Voluntary Declaration of Paternity has the same legal effect as an order from the Court “establishing parentage”; the benefit of taking this route is avoiding Court and the costs associated with going to Court.

How Do I Dispute Parentage and Genetic Testing?

Unfortunately, it has become increasingly common for the mother of a child to tell a man that he is the father of that child, even if it is unclear whether that is the case. There are an infinite number of reasons a mother might do this, ranging from the benign (the mother honestly believes the man is the father of the child) to the fraudulent (the mother knows the man is not the father, but believes the child’s life will be better if the man is obligated to support them). The attorneys at Maples Family Law believe that more often than not, this is an honest mistake.

When the male who has been informed that he is a father has doubts that he is the father, they have the right to request genetic testing to discern whether that is the case. Deoxyribonucleic acid (“DNA”) is a chain of nucleotides, which carry the genetic information to determine the development, growth, functioning, and reproduction of all living organisms on earth; they are also unique to each human being. A child receives DNA from both their biological mother, as well as their biological father. A DNA test requires a DNA sample from the mother, the alleged father, and the child. Many people believe the DNA test requires blood, however since saliva also contains an individual’s DNA, a simple cotton swab (a Q-tip for example) is sufficient to conduct the test; however, this test must be conducted at an approved location (you cannot take the DNA sample on your own, and rely on that sample to prove, or disprove, parentage).

If the parties utilize the Department of Child Support Services (“DCSS”) to perform the DNA test, there is generally no fee for either of the parents.

Here at Maples Family Law, we understand that “establishing parentage” is incredibly important for several reasons. It is important to your child to know who their parents are and receive the support that they are legally entitled to, which will provide them the best opportunities to grow up to be a successful and productive member of society. For the mother “establishing parentage” is important to obtain support in the undeniably expensive task of raising a child. For the father, “establishing parentage” is important either to obtain support for raising a child, or to obtain the rights associated with a parent so they can take an active role in their child’s development. Regardless of why “establishing parentage” is important to you, the attorneys at Maples Family Law are ready, willing, and able to assist you in pursuing your goals.